Busch Gardens: A Memoirial

(Get it? "Memoirial?" Memoir + memorial? I'm so clever.)

Busch Gardens is an amusement park in Williamsburg, Virginia, split into different sections themed around various European countries. The park opened in 1975. It was developed by Anheuser-Busch, the beer company, but was later sold out to the SeaWorld people and is now a twisted, ruined wreck of its former glory (only a tiny exaggeration.)

Since before I was born, my family spent a lot of time at Busch Gardens. My dad worked there before my parents knew each other existed. My mom had visited the park during the times that her military family lived in Virginia. Even when my parents were poor and had three little kids, they'd shell out over $100 every summer for season's pass admissions for each of us.

All this time spent at Busch Gardens got woven into my identity. "Home" and "Busch Gardens" share a shelf in my memory. Unfortunately, life involves a lot of sitting helplessly while people mess with the things on your shelves. Converting the garage to a family room and building a detached garage was pretty much the last authorized change my parents made to the house I grew up in, and I was only, like, 11 when that happened. Re-paint the back hallway? How dare you? Get rid of the old green truck...how could you? Re-decorate the kitchen? Looks like it's time for me to sign up for therapy. Stop selling cotton candy on the stick and start dyeing your lake-water? My heart has been broken into millions of tiny pieces.

Sometimes, when I'm hormonally imbalanced, I lie awake thinking of the letter I'm going to write to the Busch Gardens people someday about everything they've destroyed. Today at 2:45 AM, I woke up to use the bathroom and then couldn't fall back asleep and then I started thinking about all the stuff I usually think about putting in that letter. It's now 4:47 AM, and I'm still wide awake. So here I am, and here's my list.

- The cotton candy. They used to make it in front of you on a paper stick and the cotton candy loaf would be bigger than your head and it was only $4. Now they sell a quarter of that amount, and it's in a plastic bag.

- The bright green dye in the water under bridge in the Ireland section. Remember when it wasn't dyed, it looked beautiful and natural, and there were ducks in it?

- Speaking of bridges, the "Hero Bridge" between Germany and Italy. I remember being too small to see over the solid-concrete railings of the bridge, but looking at the lake below through the drainage holes. (Young Gloucesterians, I bet you remember doing that, too.) I don't like how they've added red, white & blue exhibits all along the bridge's length to honor members of the United States military. I'm pretty sure they just did that so people would say "Aww, Busch Gardens cares about soldiers."

- They're letting too many people into the park these days. Remember back when they monitored the number of people in the park each day and would turn people away when it was too crowded? I doubt that's what really happened, but I do remember when you could actually walk rather than being shuffled along from place to place in a gigantic herd.

- On the lake, there was an old copper(?) statue of that water guy who has a pitchfork. Neptune? Anyway, one year IT JUST DISAPPEARED.

- The petting zoo! There used to be one. Once, when I was about eight and with my family including grandparents and probably some aunts and uncles, I got all excited about the petting zoo and ran in there and started petting things and then realized that no one else was with me. They were all waiting for me outside of the enclosure. I wasn't supposed to be in there, and I was holding everyone up, and mom was angry. Good thing no one has to worry about that happening anymore, since Sesame Street took over the petting zoo area.

- And anyway, why, why did they slather Sesame Street all over Busch Gardens? The park's main product used to be beer, and it wasn't heavily advertised, and now it's Elmo, who is heavily advertised.

- Sesame Street even took over the auditorium where they used to have that ancient show about the guy trying to sell his family's castle. It had animatronic effects that used to scare me so much I'd cry during the show.

- Speaking of commercialism: The paintings holding the Pepsi cans. Absolutely infuriating. Okay, there were these interesting old-timey German people painted on some of the walls in Germany, and they were, like, hiding behind the beams in the walls and doing other stuff, and the colors were nice, but now they've been replaced by cut-outs made of wood or something and in the cut-outs the people are holding Pepsi cans and WHY? WHY? WHY WHY WHY??????????

- The building in Germany where the t-shirt airbrushing shop is. Remember how there used to be another business located in that building, where you could go and record a karaoke tape in a studio and get it put on a tape and buy it, or make a music video? There were TV screens over the walkway, and you could watch and listen to recordings of people singing badly and dancing awkwardly. I wish I could've found a picture, but I don't even remember the name of the company.

- It's sad that the Big Bad Wolf got taken down due to "reaching the end of its service life." I heard that some of the technicians who worked on the roller coaster hadn't been letting their families ride on it for years. Anyway, BBW was my first coaster. I hated it, as I hated all roller coasters and scary rides, until I was about 19. Then I was cool with scary rides. But before that, my parents had a deal with us kids: When you rode a roller coaster for the first time, you'd get a small souvenir, like a keychain or magnet. My little sister, who's way less of a baby than me, had no problem collecting her bribes. I had no problem riding the benches while waiting for her.

- It's also sad that the mini log flume was removed from the Land of the Dragons, and that the water play area isn't watery anymore.

- You know in Italy where they have that photo-op thing, the cart with the baskets on it where you go up there and pretend you're stomping on grapes to make wine? Remember when there used to be plastic grapes in there and they'd escape and roll around the area near the photo-op thing? I bet little kids tried to eat them all the time.

- I remember a way long time ago, when Busch Gardens stayed open late (and when they didn't play Beatles music instead of their glorious classical soundtrack when it was time to kick you out,) that they'd hand out free bags of Cheetos near the park exit at the very end of the day. And the loudspeakers would be like, "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please. Busch Gardens is now closing."

- They have these things near the flowers near the entrance:

And you used to actually be able to pump water with them. Water pumping was among the highlights of my childhood visits to the park.

Well. That's enough from me.

Really, I guess I should just be happy that there haven't been any more changes. The layout of the park and the overall atmosphere is close enough to what it was "back then" that you can still see what Anheuser-Busch was going for.

If you're reading this, chances are very good that you know me, and if you know me, chances are very good that you're from Gloucester. Do you remember anything I'm forgetting? I'd love to read about it. Comment.

P.S.: None of those pictures are mine, except for the ones I drew.