Game Changed

September 12th, age 5 weeks and 5 days, Raleigh became something completely different. He'd been changing anyway; we noticed that he had longer waking periods instead of the newborn sleep-eat-sleep-eat schedule. Along with the longer waking periods, he developed the ability to be bored. He would no longer tolerate lying on his back in one place for long, or even being held chest-to-chest rather than face-out. He preferred to stare at the ceiling fan (oh man how he loves to stare at the ceiling fan) or the kitchen light fixture or computer monitors. He also started making these sudden excited single-syllable vocalizations, like an OH or EH, just out of nowhere while he was looking around. You wouldn't think that would be something to be just super in love with, but it totally is.

But the big thing, the game-changer, was the smile. Raleigh was on his back looking up at me and I was talking to him and making excited faces, seeing if he could react yet...and he smiled. I kept talking, thinking it was probably just another accident, but his smile widened into a mouth-wide-open big gummy grin.

Perfection.

He was noticing me.

"Joe," I said, "Come here! He smiled. Talk to him and make faces at him." And Raleigh did it again.

It's like he graduated. Evolved in a second, like a Pokémon. One minute, he was a warm floppy fragile responsibility on the other end of a really short leash, and the next, he became my very own sweet happy little buddy.

We're a team now. I would be incredibly sad if he died. And if he were to ever get a horrible sickness, I would definitely go through it instead of him, if I could. I just want him to always smile for me.

One Month

Raleigh was born a month ago. I had no idea he was going to grow so fast.

Life was easier and more fun without a baby. Who would've thought that having a little helpless person who needs to be fed every couple of hours would make such a difference, right? I miss the freedom of our old life. I miss "us." I think no one can know what a responsibility and what a change it is to have a baby, and how serious of a decision it really is, until they're there.

So, I'm overwhelmed and sad sometimes. And tired and bored and disconnected. And guilty, because I have a healthy and happy little guy and there are so many out there who can't have that and I just shouldn't be allowed to feel anything but 100% ecstatic.

I hate I'm not one of those moms who posts on FaceBook every other day about how I didn't know it was possible to love like this, my heart is 300x bigger and the world is made out of glitter and smiles now. He was supposed to make me feel all different and good and mom-like when he was born. I was supposed to go from "Is this really going to be okay?" to "YYYYYYYEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!," not just get stuck at "Is this really going to be okay?"

I know it will be. I also know it would be a lot more okay if it was noon right now. Seriously, I shouldn't even publish this post, my mood is so dependent on how sunny it is outside that I'll be a completely different person in 12 hours. But this is when I had time to write, so oh well.

Soon Raleigh will be able to do stuff. He'll smile and notice me. I'll get used to life this way. My body will go back to normal. Everything will be okay.

Also, though, when he's sleeping, he's literally the cutest and most wonderful thing I have ever seen. I can't stop taking pictures of him. When he has one of his little accidental smiles, I smile back and I laugh and I see if I can get him to do it again (can't yet.) When he's making little zombie noises and looking around and flailing his arms and legs, I just stare and think how much I need to get it on video before he learns how to control his limbs. When he's awake, I want to hold him so he'll never feel alone. It takes me twice as long to go grocery shopping now because I keep stopping in the middle of the aisles to kiss his little face. It's nice to cuddle him, to have him all curled up asleep on my chest, finally content. When he wakes up hungry and I lift him out of the bassinet and bring him to lay with me for a sleepy feed, and he doesn't wake up, just latches on with one of his hands resting on me and his little perfect eyes closed...I guess that's when I feel the way I'm supposed to.