2013: No More Maybe

2012:

We started a Roth IRA and maxed out two years' worth of contributions. Paid off the car we signed for three years ago. We saw a rainforest in Singapore, saw the Great Wall of China, spent 72 hours with diarrhea and vomiting in Beijing. We visited an island made out of a volcano on a rainy November weekend, ate Dunkin Donuts, hung out in our hotel room playing an ancient Asian board game and watching Korean TV. We had two birthday parties. I started learning about my DSLR camera and have 5,863 photographs of this year - more than I've taken in the past five years combined. Researched becoming a professional photographer. (Noticed that they often work on weekends. Decided I'm not cut out for professional photography.)

I learned about preparing a balanced diet, approximate calorie counts of what we eat, approximate calorie counts of what we need. It was the most valuable thing I learned last year. I completed an intense 6-days-a-week-for-90-days fitness program. I don't think I've ever been more proud of myself. I also decided I wanted to learn how to run. Did a couch-to-5k program. Ran my first 5k. Joe ran, too, and was at the finish line waiting for me.

I wasted time. A lot of time. That little Korean workbook I got for Christmas last year and could have finished in three months still has two lessons left. [After the first two paragraphs of what was great about this year, this one was supposed to be about the bad parts of the year, but other than my laziness, I can't think of a single thing. Unless you count when I accidentally washing-machined the cellphone two weeks ago and it doesn't work anymore?] Although...of course...there is still something missing.

In August 2010, I was thinking, "It will be this month or next month." It wasn't. "Maybe the one after that." Nope.

When 2011 was the new year, I was thinking, "Just think! Nine or ten months from now, maybe..." But no.

Five minutes into January 1st, 2012, I was thinking, "Maybe this year." ...then again, maybe not.

It's different now. This year's "maybe" is tired and pathetic. I mean, something has to happen soon, but there's not much hope left for the natural, beautiful, wake-up-one-morning-and-find-out-I'm-pregnant I always expected. My expectations have changed: sterile rooms, paper gowns, pain, stress, potential victory still a kind of defeat.

My life is full, and so good. I never stop being thankful. But there are also times I can't stop being bitter. Knowing that this is part of a bigger plan, that everything happens (or doesn't happen) for a reason helps. Doesn't fix all this, but it helps.

Oh well. Joe and I are together. At least we still get to sleep in on the weekends, and easily travel, and play video games constantly. We have peace and happiness and love together. We have a lot to look forward to together, even just little everyday things. 2013 might hold very little "maybe"...but we'll see how it goes.