Life was easier and more fun without a baby. Who would've thought that having a little helpless person who needs to be fed every couple of hours would make such a difference, right? I miss the freedom of our old life. I miss "us." I think no one can know what a responsibility and what a change it is to have a baby, and how serious of a decision it really is, until they're there.
So, I'm overwhelmed and sad sometimes. And tired and bored and disconnected. And guilty, because I have a healthy and happy little guy and there are so many out there who can't have that and I just shouldn't be allowed to feel anything but 100% ecstatic.
I hate I'm not one of those moms who posts on FaceBook every other day about how I didn't know it was possible to love like this, my heart is 300x bigger and the world is made out of glitter and smiles now. He was supposed to make me feel all different and good and mom-like when he was born. I was supposed to go from "Is this really going to be okay?" to "YYYYYYYEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!," not just get stuck at "Is this really going to be okay?"
I know it will be. I also know it would be a lot more okay if it was noon right now. Seriously, I shouldn't even publish this post, my mood is so dependent on how sunny it is outside that I'll be a completely different person in 12 hours. But this is when I had time to write, so oh well.
Soon Raleigh will be able to do stuff. He'll smile and notice me. I'll get used to life this way. My body will go back to normal. Everything will be okay.
Also, though, when he's sleeping, he's literally the cutest and most wonderful thing I have ever seen. I can't stop taking pictures of him. When he has one of his little accidental smiles, I smile back and I laugh and I see if I can get him to do it again (can't yet.) When he's making little zombie noises and looking around and flailing his arms and legs, I just stare and think how much I need to get it on video before he learns how to control his limbs. When he's awake, I want to hold him so he'll never feel alone. It takes me twice as long to go grocery shopping now because I keep stopping in the middle of the aisles to kiss his little face. It's nice to cuddle him, to have him all curled up asleep on my chest, finally content. When he wakes up hungry and I lift him out of the bassinet and bring him to lay with me for a sleepy feed, and he doesn't wake up, just latches on with one of his hands resting on me and his little perfect eyes closed...I guess that's when I feel the way I'm supposed to.
Oh, Jessi, darling. I wish you wouldn't listen to everyone else about how you are supposed to feel. I believe you are feeling the way your are "supposed to". From my experience and observation, nurturing a child is just as with everything else in life. You are unique, your child is unique and neither of you will do everything as everyone else tells you they have experienced and/or are "supposed to". I think you and Raleigh are getting to know each other and very soon, the two of you will find your own routine and be comfortable with each other and that routine, i.e., napping when he naps so you won't be so tired, feeling tired and stopping to play with him for a minute which exhilarates you more than winning the lottery, the peace you can feel while just gazing on him as he sleeps, etc.. However, you have seen how fast he changes, so try to be alert. He will never be the same again as he is on this day, this hour, this minute. Cherish each moment so that it is ingrained in your memory, because you could never take and share enough pictures to capture it all. You have the best seat in the house for the most wonderful show God ever created. You and Joe will get back to a semblance of "us". Together, and with Raleigh, you will learn how to have fun again, sometimes in triplicate! I love you all so very much.
ReplyDeleteI love your blog Jessi. It is a honest change to all the sugar coated crap out there. Raleigh is a beautiful baby. Hang in there--it will get easier and you will adjust to a "new normal". Raleigh is lucky to have you as a mom.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much to both of you, your words really do mean a lot to me :)
ReplyDeleteJessi, this is how you feel at this stage. People just don't like to be honest. Having a baby is really hard work on your body. It takes a lot out of you and you do need time to cry, laugh, rest, and be alone. Your body takes time. .. don't rush it. Wear spankx to make you feel better temporarily :) Continue to kiss and hug that sweet baby and somedays you just need to stay inside living on him and in your pjs. Try to make time for you and your husband in the evenings when Raleigh goes to bed. That reset time with my husband in the evenings is crucial to my success as a mom every day. Message me if you need to talk. Hang in there. You've kept yourself and a sweet helpless baby alive for a month. You are winning :)
ReplyDeleteThank you :) I appreciate your advice! We are just learning how to put him to bed and have "us" time, it's so helpful! Those PJ days are hard to justify but still so nice :)
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