The Christian Epitome

Some people look forward to that time they set aside every day to open their Bibles and read. They say it's the best part of their day. They read and pray and they talk about joy, joy in the Lord and love for Him. Everything good in their lives is a blessing from God, and everything bad is just a trial to strengthen them. You know that if you run into them at the grocery store, you're going to hear "Jesus." They're the Christian epitome.

That's not me. I've never reached that stage of good. I haven't touched my Bible since November, when I got tired of the obligation. "Read and pray" was just another thing to be checked off my daily list. The times I did start reading, it would often be with ulterior motives, nothing but a basic form of bribery; maybe if I just did this, I'd get whatever I felt I lacked. There was no joy in it, and I didn't know where the joy was supposed to come from.

When I was being honest with myself, I knew I was angry. My plans for my life weren't working out, and if there was a higher purpose for how things were going, I really didn't care.

My plans still aren't working out. Oh, sure, I get to stay home all day and do whatever I want, and I'm extremely healthy, and I'm generally very happy, and I have a family who actually likes me, and I get delicious food every day, and I have a marriage full of memories with a man who dotes on me. Sure, the core of my being holds the knowledge that no matter what happens, everything in the world is as it is supposed to be; and sure, I have the peace that comes from knowing I'm "in the clear" with the God who made the stars and governs this earth. (But still! My plans!)

So maybe I do understand where the joy is supposed to come from. Gratitude. Looking around and seeing what you've been given. Which isn't easy on those days you just feel like staring at a wall.

But the lack of Bible excitement, and the ulterior motives, and how praying isn't the best part of my day, that still makes me feel guilty. Like I'm failing. Like the opposite of the Christian epitome. I'm starting to think I'll never be perfect, that maybe I'll never talk about Jesus at the grocery store. It's pretty disappointing.

Then I remember that everything is how it's supposed to be. This is where I'm supposed to be. For now.